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  It would have been so easy to give in, to accept his words, but Shelly knew she had to be strong. However unwitting, she’d seen the incredulous look in Julie’s eyes, seen the improbable couple they made, and however much Ross couldn’t see the bitter end they surely faced, Shelly could.

  ‘You’re not what Matthew needs.’ She watched his face slip. His eyes seemed to literally sink, his shoulders lowering as he exhaled slowly. All the fight of before seemed to leave him then, the struggle to make her listen, to see his point disappearing as if a light had been switched off. ‘Matthew deserves stability, and I’m going to make sure he gets it. You can’t provide that, Ross, no matter how much you might want to. What I feel doesn’t come into this, Ross, it can’t. What I’m trying to say is—’

  It was Ross who held his hand up to silence her now, Ross who shook his head. ‘Don’t, Shelly, I think you’ve made yourself perfectly clear.’ His face had a weary dignity about it. ‘You have to do what’s right by Matthew and, like it or not, I have to respect it. Hey, who am I to argue with a statement like the one you’ve just made?’ He made to go but at the door he paused, turning for a second, and Shelly had to force herself not to rush over to him, his pain so evident she felt it, too. ‘Maybe you’re right, Shelly, maybe I’m not cut out to be a parent.’ His eyes met hers then. ‘But I’d have given it my best shot.’

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  IT WAS the loneliest twenty-four hours of Shelly’s life.

  Surrounded by friends and colleagues, her parents ringing on the hour every hour as they awaited their flight home, endless trips to the waiting room to update anxious visitors on Matthew’s progress, friends who had made the trip despite knowing they wouldn’t be allowed to see him. Even Lorna from the crèche came, openly crying when she looked through the glass, wondering as everyone did if she’d somehow missed something, if there was something she could have should have done differently. But despite all the activity, all the concern all the love and concern that surrounded her, Shelly felt isolated. As if she were inhabiting an alien planet, even normal conversations, basic exchanges seemed to be taking place in another language.

  The only light moment to an otherwise awful day was when she finally, at Julie’s insistence, left the ward for the briefest of showers. Ross, love him, had indeed packed and as she looked at the handful of underwear tossed inside she paled at the thought of him rummaging through her knickers drawer, making a mental note to toss out every sensible pair of undies she possessed the second she got home.

  She longed for Ross’s easygoing nature, for his insight, for his different perspective. Longed for him to rub her weary shoulders the way only Ross could, to inject his easy optimism into this most awful situation and, Shelly admitted almost guiltily, she longed to lie down on the bed Julie kept suggesting she try, and leave Matthew in Ross’s tender loving care.

  But it was way too late for that.

  There had been such hurt in his eyes, a hurt beyond what Shelly had ever imagined there might be, a depth to his pain she hadn’t anticipated.

  Neil had been relieved.

  Ross had been devastated.

  ‘Darling.’ Marlene looked so tanned and glamorous for a second Shelly barely recognised her as she crossed the intensive care unit, but on closer inspection the last twenty-four hours had left their mark, dark hollows surrounding her eyes, lines grooved in her cheeks, and her hands were shaking as she reached out and touched Matthew.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ Marlene sobbed as Ken hovered, wringing his hands in despair. ‘So sorry we weren’t here for you. How is he? Ross said he was picking up a bit.’

  ‘Ross?’

  Marlene was dabbing at her eyes as she looked down at Matthew. ‘He picked us up from the airport and drove us straight here. We had no idea who he was, of course. He was holding up a sign with our names on!’

  ‘He’s one of the doctors here.’

  Marlene nodded, her glassy eyes straying to Matthew. ‘He said he’d been helping you out with the babysitting. Oh, Shelly we should never have gone, never left you—’

  ‘Mum,’ Shelly broke in. ‘It would have happened anyway.’ But though she said all the right things, though she comforted her mother, Shelly’s mind was whirring. So wrapped up in herself and Matthew it had never entered her head how Marlene and Ken would get from the airport, never even thought about the angst-filled taxi ride battling peak-hour traffic as they struggled to get to the hospital.

  But Ross had.

  ‘He’s stabilised, they’ve stopped all anticonvulsants.’ She watched Marlene frown, the medical terminology that came so easily to Shelly lost on Marlene. ‘He hasn’t had any more fits so they’re weaning him off the medication, and the antibiotics seem to have kicked in. They’re going to try and get him off the ventilator tomorrow.’ Shelly swallowed hard, hating to douse the water on Marlene’s hope. ‘We won’t know for a while yet if there’s been any lasting damage.’

  ‘You mean brain damage,’ Marlene gasped as she started to cry again, but, catching Shelly’s strained face, Marlene checked herself. ‘I’m sorry, Shelly, I’m supposed to be being strong for you.’

  ‘I know, Mum, but it’s not that easy, is it?’

  Julie came off the stool then. It was long into her third shift with Matthew, watching Shelly dozing fitfully on a chair by the bed, and she finally put her foot down.

  ‘How about letting your mum and dad have some time with him, and you go and get some sleep, some proper sleep?’ she said as Shelly shook her head. ‘And I’m not taking no for an answer this time. You’re going to end up being admitted with exhaustion if you don’t get some rest.’

  ‘She’s right.’ Marlene’s insistence, combined with Julie’s, was more than Shelly could argue with, and now her parents were finally here Shelly felt herself able to hand over the reins a touch, to finally let down her guard a fraction.

  ‘You’ll call me,’ Shelly checked.

  ‘In a flash.’

  A small, plastic-mattressed bed had never looked more inviting. For once Shelly didn’t bother tucking in corners, turning back blankets. Instead, she threw on the pillow case and a bottom sheet and stretched out, pulling the white hospital blanket over her. The last time she had lain down she had been holding Matthew, so blissfully oblivious of the impending disaster, so completely unaware how fate was about to roll the dice and throw up another challenge for her to deal with.

  Her mind clicked backwards, reliving the precious hours beforehand when for a short while at least the world had been gentler, kindlier, easier.

  When she had lain in Ross’s arms…

  ‘Shelly.’ For a second or two fantasy met reality. A lazy second where the face filling her dreams was really here, where a strong hand was gently touching her arm. ‘Shelly.’ Her shoulder was being shaken now, dragging her out of her long slumber away from the bliss of a long-awaited sleep.

  ‘What happened?’ Sitting bolt upright, Shelly’s eyes flashed open, taking in Ross sitting on the edge of her bed, his face now cleanly shaven, his eyes void of their usual easy welcoming smile. ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘Nothing,’ Ross said quickly, pushing her gently back onto the pillow. ‘He’s actually picking up, but I just needed to talk to you for a moment.’

  She lay back down, allowing the world to come more slowly into focus, listening as Ross spoke, acutely aware of her unmade-up face and unkempt hair, so drab in comparison to a well-groomed Ross.

  ‘They’re going to give him a trial without the ventilator tonight. Your mum’s with him.’ His hand gently held her down as Shelly’s first instinct was to rush back to Matthew. ‘And what I’ve got to say won’t take a moment.’

  She owed him a moment, Shelly knew that much. Whatever had gone on between them, Ross had been wonderful where Matthew had been concerned. ‘Dr Khan thinks if he improves enough overnight they might even send him over to the children’s ward tomorrow or the next day.’

  ‘So soon?’

  Ros
s nodded. ‘Which means I’ll be looking after him.’ He watched her face as he spoke. ‘If you’ve got a problem with that, tell me now, Shelly. If I tell Dr Khan now, at least we’ll be able to arrange something.’

  ‘Why wouldn’t I want you looking after him?’ Shelly asked bemused as Ross gave a hollow laugh.

  ‘It’s my fault he’s here in the first place.’

  Shelly shook her head, floored by what he was saying. ‘Ross, I’m a nurse, I work on a children’s ward, I was there when you examined him, this is no one’s fault.’

  He gave a brief nod, but she could almost feel the self-doubt churning in his usually confident mind.

  ‘What about what’s happened between us?’

  ‘Ross.’ Shelly’s voice so soft he had to strain to catch it. ‘That’s no one’s fault either, it’s just something that can never be…’ Uncoiling her long legs, Shelly put her bare feet on the floor. ‘I need to go to him.’

  ‘Sure.’

  Slipping on her sandals, she made for the door, expecting Ross to get up and follow her. Instead, he stayed sitting on the bed, not watching her, not watching anything, just staring at the bland cream wall. ‘Are you coming?’

  Ross gave a brief nod but made no attempt to move. ‘I’ll be out in a minute. I’ll catch you on the ward, then?’ He held up both hands. ‘Fingers crossed.’

  Holding up her own crossed fingers, Shelly managed a watery smile. ‘Fingers crossed,’ she murmured, before quietly closing the door behind her.

  With Julie’s intervention, they let Shelly stay as Matthew was extubated, but even though it went well, even though he breathed on his own, holding his oxygen saturations with just an oxygen mask, Shelly felt a pang of guilt as a sense of anticlimax washed over her.

  For three days and two long, long nights she had prayed for this moment, but in her dreams Matthew had opened his eyes, looked right at her. Instead, he just lay there, and Shelly, if there had ever been any doubt, realised then that this was only the beginning of a long exhausting journey. That the Matthew she had kissed goodnight on Thursday would, at best, return to her only in stages, that the deluge of questions about brain damage and long-term effects wasn’t going to be answered in the next few days. It was a matter of wait and see, two steps forward one step backwards, and no amount of questions or tests were going to give Shelly a conclusive answer.

  The night seemed to go on for ever. Matthew’s consciousness level lightened but there was no joyous reunion, just a teary little boy, uncomfortable, pulling at the tubes, staring blankly at a concerned Shelly who did her best to comfort him, to pull him back to her. And despite the presence of her parents, the level of care delivered, Shelly ached, physically ached, for the presence of Ross, for a partner who would willingly share the load, for that mind-reader who instinctively seemed to know how she was feeling. When Dr Khan did the ward round and agreed Matthew could be moved over to the children’s ward, Shelly wrestled with the surge of relief that filled her, the knowledge Ross would now be near, reminding herself she had chosen to go it alone.

  She was greeted like a long-lost friend on the children’s ward, even Tania, reserved to say the least, managed a welcoming smile and a quick pat on her arm.

  ‘Anything we can do to make things easier for you, Shelly, you just have to say. You know where the kitchen is!’

  Shelly suppressed an out-of-place smile. The kitchen on the children’s ward was hallowed territory indeed, way out of bounds for the parents of patients, and Tania allowing her to use it was a concession indeed!

  ‘Thanks, Tania, and I’m sorry for all the trouble with the roster.’

  ‘Don’t even give it a thought. When Matthew improves we’ll have a chat, try and work something out. Now, we’ve put Matthew in a side room, not because he’s infectious but the noise on the ward will make him irritable. It might be better to keep the curtains closed if he’s still a bit sensitive to light. Still, don’t be a prisoner, you can have the door open whenever you want—he’s not in isolation.’

  The small side room that Shelly knew so well was amazingly unfamiliar with Matthew lying on the bed. Shelly unpacked her bag, then sat awkwardly on the bed, trying to read the nursing charts from her upsidedown stance, trying to see what had been written about Matthew, listening to the happy chatter of the ward outside, the hustle and bustle she was so used to being a part of.

  ‘Only me.’ Ross gave a brief knock on the open door as Shelly stood up abruptly. ‘I’ve got to admit him.’

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘I know you’ve answered all these questions a hundred times, but now he’s under the care of the ward we have to go through it all over again.’

  ‘Of course,’ Shelly said brightly, her voice coming out way too loud as she struggled not to show how awkward she was feeling.

  Ross pulled up a couple of chairs and gestured for her to sit down. Even her legs didn’t seem to know how to behave as Shelly crossed them too high then shifted uncomfortably as Ross opened the notes.

  ‘I know most of it already, so it shouldn’t take too long.’

  Five minutes would have been too long in Shelly’s highly anxious state. Trying to remember immunisation dates and Matthew’s milestones was worse than sitting her high school exams as Ross sat patiently awaiting her answers. She hated the awkwardness between them, the attempt at being professional, the distance she had insisted upon.

  ‘Ross!’ Nicola, the student, back on days now, was smiling at the door. ‘Hi, Shelly, sorry to hear about Matthew.’ She turned back to Ross her colour deepening as she spoke. ‘Tania wants to know when you’ll be able to review cot four.’

  ‘Tell her I won’t be long.’ Ross barely looked up. He probably didn’t even notice the breathlessness in Nicola’s voice, the reddened cheeks. Ross probably thought the entire female population were created two shades pinker with fluttering eyelashes, such was his effect on women. Standing up, he made his way over to the bed and examined a sleeping Matthew gently. ‘Has he spoken at all yet?’

  ‘Nothing,’ Shelly said, hovering anxiously. ‘He’s just grizzling sometimes and pulling at everything.’

  Ross nodded thoughtfully. ‘He’s still got meningitis, Shelly. Just because he’s out of Intensive Care, it doesn’t mean he’s over it. He’s still fighting a massive infection, and very sick, so don’t be alarmed that he’s not responding to you.’

  ‘I know,’ Shelly said, then gave a tired smile. ‘Actually, I don’t. It’s hard to be objective when it’s your own child.’

  ‘Of course it is.’ There was a horrible awkward pause and Shelly so wanted to speak, so wanted to fill it, but she truly didn’t know what to say. ‘I’d better get on.’

  Despite Tania’s invitation to keep the door open, Shelly closed it gently behind him and in the days that followed more often than not that was the way it stayed. Far, far easier to shut herself away, to block out the noise of the world around her, than to hear him, to see him and know she couldn’t have him.

  Visitors were exhausting, and as much as Shelly was grateful for them coming, for caring, she was always relieved when they left. Even Marlene seemed draining. The only person Shelly actually looked forward to seeing was Melissa. Under her quiet charge Shelly slept easily, crawling on the bed beside Matthew, knowing they were in good hands, welcoming the contraband coffee Melissa bought into her room each morning.

  ‘Remember to take the cup out,’ Melissa warned, ‘or Tania will have a fit.

  ‘So are you ready for the off?’

  Rubbing her eyes, Shelly crept quietly out of bed, anxious not to wake Matthew and enjoy her five minutes’ peace. ‘Can you believe I’m nervous?’

  ‘Of course you are,’ Melissa said wisely. ‘But you’re going to be fine. Once he’s back home you’ll soon see a huge improvement.’

  ‘There already is.’ Shelly looked over at the bed. ‘It’s hard to believe just a week ago he was in Intensive Care. Now just look at him, demanding the television on. He walked a c
ouple of steps yesterday, you know.’

  ‘I know.’ Melissa smiled. ‘And he’ll no doubt walk a few more today. Just take it slowly, and don’t expect too much too soon, and he’ll get there.’ She paused for a second, her voice lowering a touch as she looked Shelly square in the eye. ‘I’m not so sure about you, though.’

  ‘Me?’ Shelly checked, giving Melissa a wide-eyed look.

  ‘Yes, you. Holed up in here, barely putting your head out of the door. You can’t avoid Ross for ever.’

  ‘I’m not trying to avoid him,’ Shelly said quickly. ‘I just needed some time out and, believe it or not, it’s actually been quite nice being cooped up in here. For once in my life I’ve had some time to think things through, make a few decisions of my own.’

  ‘Such as?’

  ‘I’m handing in my notice.’ She watched as Melissa frowned but Shelly shook her head. ‘It has nothing to do with Ross. I don’t want Matthew going back to crèche. I’ve nothing against it, I’m sure it’s done him wonders, but I’m going to be a stay-at-home mum.’

  ‘How will you afford it?’

  Shelly held up the calculator she had on the bedside table. ‘Another thing I’ve been doing while I’ve been cooped up in here. I won’t be that much worse off. The crèche fees are huge, and if I can do the odd casual shift at weekends we’ll just about break even.’ Shelly grimaced. ‘So long as the car stays healthy and the air-conditioner doesn’t finally give in and die on me. But, either way, it’s something I have to do, Melissa, we’ll have to make do with what we’ve got. I just want Matthew to enjoy his childhood his way, not Neil’s, not Mum’s, just his. I’m not giving up on him, I’ll do my best but I’m just tired of him being pushed every which way.’

  ‘Fair enough,’ Melissa said slowly. ‘So long as you’re not handing your notice in because of Ross.’

  ‘I’m not that stupid.’